Mark Cuban Peeing in a Urinal With Larry O'Brien's Trophy

It's time for Miller Regent's most Ultimate post of all time.

Taking a break from the Previews for one second, I thought I would just drop the greatest blog post ever written. Then I realized that there's nothing to write about.... There's nothing going on in the NBA and the next best thing (NFL) just isn't the same.

Yesterday (Monday) I finished my last mid-term of the semester. I am so accustomed to winding down from mid-term season by catching the Raptors play at around 7 ET 5 our time that by habit I ended up watching Monday night football with Michael Vick's Eagles taking on Erlacher's Bears. Other than championship games, this was one of the first times I have ever sat down to watch an ENTIRE football game from start to finish. Starting from watching some of the pre-game show to the starting cinematic I was more than pumped to see som pigskin flinging, bonecrunching action. I felt as excited as I ever have been for a regular season NBA game... so much so that I almost forgot there was a lockout and I almost believed that I could get into the NFL and completely forget the NBA. I even wanted very badly to forget the NBA and replace it with the NFL so that I could boycott the NBA to show my hatred for the greed on display in what they call the LOCKOUT.

However, after the first quarter I was bored. I wanted to fastforward to sportscenter after the game and just watch the highlights. Football just doesn't offer what basketball does. On rough estimate, there is a dunk or 3-pointer every 2 minutes in the NBA (including commercials and timeouts in the time). Every time there is a momentum-changing play in the NFL? Probably every 10 minutes (on average). It's the stoppage of play, a necessary evil, but terrible for those of us who want to maximize their TV sports watching experience.

Despite it's pitfalls, the NFL has it's place. I would argue that it is the best sport to watch when you get together with the buds. There is ample time for catching up, eating, belching and (of course) Farting the Big Farts. But as far as watching a football game by yourself?? It will never be as good as the NBA.

So why am I telling you these things my friends? Well, I'm not too sure (but I'm willing to bet Cam's Penis might know). Maybe it's because there is nothing to talk about in the NBA right now. I should be coming home to the raptors game raring to go at 5pm on Monday's Wednesdays and sometimes Fridays. I should be watching game highlights on my laptop at school while I should be paying attention. I should be looking forward to catching a couple games at The Grey Nathan's Parent's house over the christmas holidays but then never actually getting around to do it. We should be talking about how much we hate the Mavs because they are only good due to a wealthy owner. And we should be debating right now whether the raptors and jazz have what it takes to squeak into the playoffs or not.

But, we are not doing these things. And we might not be able to this year. And I can't decide whether I hate myself for liking the NBA too much or I hate the players and owners for loving money too much. Let's just hope something changes soon.

Cleveland Cavaliers and the NBA Lockout

(I might as well join in with Sam)

The 2010-11 Cleveland Cavaliers are proof that Lebron James should have been the season's MVP. With him they were one of the best teams in the league (maybe the best - they might have had the most regular season wins, I don't remember and don't feel like looking it up). After losing him and little else, they instantly became the worst team of all time. That might sound like an exaggeration, but as far as I'm concerned, setting the all-time record for the longest losing streak (something like 30, maybe the highest in all professional sports) makes you the worst team ever.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are much like the Chevrolet Cavalier I drive: they're both poorly put together. Anytime a team completely disintegrates after losing one player - no matter how good that player is - it's safe to say the organization was flawed. Kyrie Irving and Tristan Thompson aren't going to turn things around any better than Cam's penis would. I was about to say they're on the right with those draft picks, but I'm not so sure. I still don't understand why Irving was the consensus number one pick after having only played half a season of college ball. I won't say he'll be a huge bust, but I think he'll struggle. I don't know much about Tristan Thompson other than that his first name is my middle name and he's Canadian, so I think he'll be just fine.

But a prediction: the Cavs will be the worst team in the league next season, and it will be a while before things start looking up for them. Some NBA experts will pick them to be a surprise, but they won't be.

Another team that won't be a surprise: Minnesota. They'll be in the running for the worst in the league. Another prediction: many NBA experts actually will pick them to be a surprise. Another team that won't be a surprise: the Toronto Raptors, as much as I hate to say it, and as much as I'm really trying not to say it.

I was going to go on for a while and try to say something interesting and creative, but with the Cleveland Cavaliers as a subject, that is difficult to do. I was also going to post this a long time ago, because it has been finished for a long time, but I couldn't force myself to do it. I can't get excited about the NBA because I hate the NBA. Considering the NBA is actually my favorite thing on earth, that last statement isn't a true one, but yet it somehow is. As this lockout continues and millionaires continue to squabble about money, my anger grows. And I'm not mad about not watching basketball. I don't think anyone is. We're mad that this thing is happening at all. It's so disgusting that I've even had the thought that I don't want to watch it whenever it comes back. Now, I know that I won't be able to do that, but the fact that I've thought about it says a lot. Why should I associate myself with this abstract giant that is so greedy, selfish, manipulative, and uncaring towards me and all the other people who support it - the people who, were we to stop supporting it, could bring about its demise?

But I love basketball. I love watching it played at the highest level. And there's nothing I can do. That might sound pathetic - that I actually cannot separate myself from it - and it might not be completely true, but I feel it. Following the NBA has become part of my identity. The NBA means nothing, it's pointless, and it's even stupid - we spend hours watching, dissecting, and arguing about grown men throwing a ball through a hoop - but it's part of my life. Some of my best memories involve the NBA. But the memories aren't about the NBA itself. They're about the people who experience the NBA with me: my friends and family. They're the people I get excited with, argue with, text to, scream to.

I had actually thought I could leave the NBA behind, until our old friend Bill Simmons pulled me back. Item 55 in his recent "Proactively Mourning the NBA" column says, "Those random nights when three straight awesome crunch-times happen within a frantic span of 45 minutes, with my buddy Hirschy's inevitable 'Are you watching?' text happening somewhere along the lines." That's what it's all about. Those texts, and those phone calls before texts existed, and those next day conversations before we thought to use the phone, and those re-enactments on NBA Live when the actual games weren't happening, and the constant discussions we have anytime we meet up, and this blog.

That's why I care about the NBA. But the NBA doesn't care about me.

Part 4: The Chicago Bulls

My wife got mad at me the other day for using the word penis too much in my blog posts. Since she hates basketball I am surprised that she even read the pads. But she is probably right. In the last 5 posts the word penis was probably the most used out of any individual word. And of those penis appearances, many related to Cam's penis and Greg Oden only knows how embarassing it is to have your penis all over the internet. So as a warning to all you pad lovers, expect less penises popping up on the pads in the future. On that note, many things have happened in the last week. School started. The NFL just kicked off (literally, I just watched the kickoff). Andrea Bargnani pretty consistently grabbed double digit rebounds in the Euro tournament. Valanwanker has made the most out of his extra alotment of minutes at the euros and has already shown that he can play with the big boys. AND the NBA has increased their labor talks which is a good sign. There have been many hints that these talks are promising and the likelihood of an NBA season has gone from 10% to 90%. I'm excited.

So what does this all mean for the cinderella chicago bulls? Nothing much. I think of all the teams the Bulls probably wouldn't be affected whether there was an NBA season or not. The players aren't aging and they are all pretty much under longish term contracts. The only thing might be that they would lose some momentum gained from last years dramatic turnaround, the MVP and Coach of the year award. There is lots to debate about the Bulls but not much will change for them going into the future so this might be one of the least exciting previews but one of the most debatable.

Current Situation: It has been widely documented that the Bulls need a shooting guard of the likes of Ray Allen. But couldn't every single team in the NBA use Ray Allen? Even the Lakers (not to replace Kobe but to play with him.). I agree with the idea that the bulls need a shooter to an extent. Yes they need a knock down shooter, but don't they need a shooter AND pseudo creator to take the load off of Rose? Someone like Joe Johnson (but not Joe Johnson). This is why the Bulls had high interest in Demar Derozan. He is a good mid range shooter who can somewhat create plays and get to the line with lots of room to grow.

Here's a question: If Lebron had stayed in cleveland and had the exact same stats as those he had in Miami, would he have won his third straight MVP? The answer is YES! So The Bulls have a pseudo-MVP, a defensively defficient all-star PF and a borderline all-star C. I just don't see this team ever being a contender unless they get another allstar player and I can't decide whether it has to be a BIG or a WING. This team is just a strange mix that seems to work out.

Moving Forward: It's hard to improve on the best record in the league and Chicago won't. Barring any major trades after the lockout the Bulls will wind up second in the east. Miami will be better next year and I don't think anyone will catch them. At this point they have to either find a diamond in the second round next year  or make a steal of a trade if they want to contend with miami. If they could swing a deal with the Rockets in the likes of Boozer and a shooting guard for Martin and Scola then the bulls might be set to seriously contend. Sadly the bulls would probably have to give up Deng in that deal to make it work, which wouldn't be worth it.

On the flip side, the bulls could just sit pretty and consistently make it deep in the playoffs, which isn't a bad plan. This way they have a good chance of catching a break every year and going all the way. You never know what could happen in the playoffs.

I can't decide if I like the bulls or not. I hate Boozer and Noah but like Rose and Deng but if Full team trades (coaches included) were possible, I would trade the raptors for the bulls in a second.

Stay tuned for the Cavaliers preview from The Grey coloured Nathan.

Part 3: The Charlotte Hornets, I mean... Bobcats

I have two favorite things to do on youtube. One, I like to look up literal versions of famous music videos. It is hit or miss whether it is funny or not but when it's a hit, it's a homerun like this one. Sometimes I wish that more things in life were more literal. If more things in life were literal or atleast thought through in a literal way maybe we wouldn't do so many dumb things. Take the Charlotte Bobcats for example. A running list of things they have done in the past may include:

- Choose Bobcats as a team symbol

- Decide that Orange and pale blue are the best team colors (because bobcats are orange and blue)

- Draft Adam Morrison

- Peek at Cam's Penis

- Trade away any all-star calibre player the year right after they make their first ever playoff appearance so that the only player anyone can recognize on the team is Michael Jordan (oh wait, he doesn't play)

We may have the benefit of hindsight in looking at the bobcats this way but I remember when they did some of these things and couldn't believe it. It's just too bad the bobcat's literal description doesn't turn out as funny like the Youtube music videos. It's just sad.

The second thing I like to do on Youtube is watch this guy. I mean, how credible can you be when someone dubs farts in after everything you do? It's hilarious, but in the case of the bobcats it's a reality. Everytime they take a step forward someone in management farts on it.

Current situation: Can you name a single player on the Bobcats? How about Steven Jackson or Gerald Wallace or Tyson Chandler, oh wait, they got traded last year. I guess I can't name a single player on Charlottes team. The Bobcats are the most unlikeable team in the NBA BY FAR! They have made the playoffs once in their entire existence and Michael Jordan keeps trading away any decent players they have for cap space. WHY would you aquire cap space in CHARLOTTE???!!! Was Lebron James on the verge of signing with the Bobcats but they just didn't have enough money? It's funny that despite all of their shortcomings if you were to dash a little purple on their jerseys T-Wah would consider them one of his favorite teams. So where do they go from here?

For the Future: The Bobcats did get some interesting picks in this years draft. Bismack Biyombo who could be at best the next Ben Wallace but has also been famously described in draft workouts as the guy who played 1 on 1 vs himself and LOST! They also got Kemba Walker who I actually wish the Raptors had drafted. He could be anywhere from a TJ Ford to a Chris Paul type player but he won an NCAA championship which sometimes speaks louder than anything else. If I were GM of the Bobcats I would make a three way trade with Utah and N.O. to make all the names actually make sense. Charlotte Hornets, Utah Bobcats and New Orleans Jazz. Then I would change the look to Black and Yellow jerseys and trade anything and everything to get as many lottery picks in next years draft to get Harrison Barnes and this guy keep in mind that this guy is 7 feet tall and a center. Of course I don't want them to employ this strategy so that the Raptors can.

Boston Celtics

These (current) Boston Celtics probably won't win another championship. But they might. You can't say it's likely. But you can't say it's unlikely. They're not favorites and they're not underdogs. If they win the next championship it won't be surprising. But if they don't, I guess it would be less surprising. No one will pick them to win it, but they can win it if everything goes right. But their most important players are old, so everything probably won't go right.

Boston has the most to lose from a prolonged lockout, and the most to gain from a shortened season. Maybe. If the whole season is lost, they're at a huge disadvantage. This lineup isn't getting any younger. They still have a shot at a championship. But that window will probably close after next season - maybe it can be propped open until the end of the season after that. But if next season is held when the season after is supposed to be, they're facing that closing window that will be all but shut. But a shortened season could be an advantage, depending on how the NBA structures it. If it's like the '99 season it may not be so advantageous. In '99 they crammed in 50 (or so) games where 50 (or so) games normally wouldn't fit. Four games in five or six days and back-to-back-to-backs aren't good for old legs. But if the shortened season is more reasonably spaced, it could be great for Boston. For the last few seasons they have been almost unbeatable before the all-star game. If the whole season was as long as half a season and there is less time for burn outs, break downs, and injuries, the Celtics would be in great shape for a title run. But, again, it depends on when the season would start and how many games would be played. So along with us fans, the lower-paid players, and Cam's penis, the Celtics probably have the most at stake during this disgusting lockout.

Also, the Perkins-Green trade was terrible. Jeff Green isn't very good. Perkins, based on his playoff performance, doesn't seem very good either. But, he said it himself, he was playing at around 50%. But I think Perkins - a true, defensive, tough, imposing center - at 50% is better than what Green gave them and what he ever will give them. True centers are hard to come by. When you find them, you have to keep them. And the trade messed up their chemistry. I don't know how to prove that, and it shouldn't be an excuse - it's kind of pathetic how much it messed them up - but it's hard to deny that it had an effect. And now they're in a position where the trade gave them something they already had - wing players - and left them in a position where they have a huge hole. With Shaq and Perkins gone and Jermaine O'Neal's death five years ago, that hole is in the middle. I don't know what they're going to do to fill that hole, or if they already have (I can't remember, and this pathetic lockout is preventing me from looking it up on NBA.com) but it's their biggest problem and they brought it on themselves. How that hole is filled will determine the size of their championship window. It was open last year.

There is one positive thing to say about the trade. Ainge said he did it with an eye for the future (I still don't know why he wasn't thinking of the present when they had a shot at a championship, but I'm trying to be positive). That is actually good news. The specifics of the trade wasn't good news - Jeff Green isn't going to be the future of the franchise - but that attitude is good news. When the big three were put together they were already fairly old players. As a fan who became attached to the team in the Walter McCarty - Kenny Anderson years, I thought the setup was great. Boston would be in a position to have a few winning seasons. But I figured that would be it - once those guys passed their prime it would be back to the lottery. So Ainge deserves some credit, not only for putting together the championship team and this winning lineup, but for having a plan to perpetuate that success. So even if I don't agree with his latest move, he does deserve the benefit of the doubt. Maybe seeing a GM thinking for the future shouldn't be something I'm so excited about, but as a Raptors fan, I'm not used to it.