Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Part 3: The Charlotte Hornets, I mean... Bobcats

I have two favorite things to do on youtube. One, I like to look up literal versions of famous music videos. It is hit or miss whether it is funny or not but when it's a hit, it's a homerun like this one. Sometimes I wish that more things in life were more literal. If more things in life were literal or atleast thought through in a literal way maybe we wouldn't do so many dumb things. Take the Charlotte Bobcats for example. A running list of things they have done in the past may include:

- Choose Bobcats as a team symbol

- Decide that Orange and pale blue are the best team colors (because bobcats are orange and blue)

- Draft Adam Morrison

- Peek at Cam's Penis

- Trade away any all-star calibre player the year right after they make their first ever playoff appearance so that the only player anyone can recognize on the team is Michael Jordan (oh wait, he doesn't play)

We may have the benefit of hindsight in looking at the bobcats this way but I remember when they did some of these things and couldn't believe it. It's just too bad the bobcat's literal description doesn't turn out as funny like the Youtube music videos. It's just sad.

The second thing I like to do on Youtube is watch this guy. I mean, how credible can you be when someone dubs farts in after everything you do? It's hilarious, but in the case of the bobcats it's a reality. Everytime they take a step forward someone in management farts on it.

Current situation: Can you name a single player on the Bobcats? How about Steven Jackson or Gerald Wallace or Tyson Chandler, oh wait, they got traded last year. I guess I can't name a single player on Charlottes team. The Bobcats are the most unlikeable team in the NBA BY FAR! They have made the playoffs once in their entire existence and Michael Jordan keeps trading away any decent players they have for cap space. WHY would you aquire cap space in CHARLOTTE???!!! Was Lebron James on the verge of signing with the Bobcats but they just didn't have enough money? It's funny that despite all of their shortcomings if you were to dash a little purple on their jerseys T-Wah would consider them one of his favorite teams. So where do they go from here?

For the Future: The Bobcats did get some interesting picks in this years draft. Bismack Biyombo who could be at best the next Ben Wallace but has also been famously described in draft workouts as the guy who played 1 on 1 vs himself and LOST! They also got Kemba Walker who I actually wish the Raptors had drafted. He could be anywhere from a TJ Ford to a Chris Paul type player but he won an NCAA championship which sometimes speaks louder than anything else. If I were GM of the Bobcats I would make a three way trade with Utah and N.O. to make all the names actually make sense. Charlotte Hornets, Utah Bobcats and New Orleans Jazz. Then I would change the look to Black and Yellow jerseys and trade anything and everything to get as many lottery picks in next years draft to get Harrison Barnes and this guy keep in mind that this guy is 7 feet tall and a center. Of course I don't want them to employ this strategy so that the Raptors can.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Boston Celtics

These (current) Boston Celtics probably won't win another championship. But they might. You can't say it's likely. But you can't say it's unlikely. They're not favorites and they're not underdogs. If they win the next championship it won't be surprising. But if they don't, I guess it would be less surprising. No one will pick them to win it, but they can win it if everything goes right. But their most important players are old, so everything probably won't go right.

Boston has the most to lose from a prolonged lockout, and the most to gain from a shortened season. Maybe. If the whole season is lost, they're at a huge disadvantage. This lineup isn't getting any younger. They still have a shot at a championship. But that window will probably close after next season - maybe it can be propped open until the end of the season after that. But if next season is held when the season after is supposed to be, they're facing that closing window that will be all but shut. But a shortened season could be an advantage, depending on how the NBA structures it. If it's like the '99 season it may not be so advantageous. In '99 they crammed in 50 (or so) games where 50 (or so) games normally wouldn't fit. Four games in five or six days and back-to-back-to-backs aren't good for old legs. But if the shortened season is more reasonably spaced, it could be great for Boston. For the last few seasons they have been almost unbeatable before the all-star game. If the whole season was as long as half a season and there is less time for burn outs, break downs, and injuries, the Celtics would be in great shape for a title run. But, again, it depends on when the season would start and how many games would be played. So along with us fans, the lower-paid players, and Cam's penis, the Celtics probably have the most at stake during this disgusting lockout.

Also, the Perkins-Green trade was terrible. Jeff Green isn't very good. Perkins, based on his playoff performance, doesn't seem very good either. But, he said it himself, he was playing at around 50%. But I think Perkins - a true, defensive, tough, imposing center - at 50% is better than what Green gave them and what he ever will give them. True centers are hard to come by. When you find them, you have to keep them. And the trade messed up their chemistry. I don't know how to prove that, and it shouldn't be an excuse - it's kind of pathetic how much it messed them up - but it's hard to deny that it had an effect. And now they're in a position where the trade gave them something they already had - wing players - and left them in a position where they have a huge hole. With Shaq and Perkins gone and Jermaine O'Neal's death five years ago, that hole is in the middle. I don't know what they're going to do to fill that hole, or if they already have (I can't remember, and this pathetic lockout is preventing me from looking it up on but it's their biggest problem and they brought it on themselves. How that hole is filled will determine the size of their championship window. It was open last year.

There is one positive thing to say about the trade. Ainge said he did it with an eye for the future (I still don't know why he wasn't thinking of the present when they had a shot at a championship, but I'm trying to be positive). That is actually good news. The specifics of the trade wasn't good news - Jeff Green isn't going to be the future of the franchise - but that attitude is good news. When the big three were put together they were already fairly old players. As a fan who became attached to the team in the Walter McCarty - Kenny Anderson years, I thought the setup was great. Boston would be in a position to have a few winning seasons. But I figured that would be it - once those guys passed their prime it would be back to the lottery. So Ainge deserves some credit, not only for putting together the championship team and this winning lineup, but for having a plan to perpetuate that success. So even if I don't agree with his latest move, he does deserve the benefit of the doubt. Maybe seeing a GM thinking for the future shouldn't be something I'm so excited about, but as a Raptors fan, I'm not used to it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Big Miller's Lockout Inspired Team Previews: The Atlanta Hawks

Hello Blog world and NBA Basketball fans.

In the name of Patrick Ewing and his knee pads I declare the NBA lockout a travesty! The lockout is a terrible representation and harsh reality of professional sports. While all of us die-hard fans anxiously check ESPN every day in hopes of some miracle solution to the labour negotiations, millionaires argue with millionaires over [approximately] a few million dollars spread between 500 players. WHO GIVES A CRAP!! JUST END THE LOCKOUT!! I sometimes feel like our good friend and pal 'Milk' who once made the mistake of falling asleep before the rest of us at a sleepover. We threatened to cut the shaggy mop on his head that he called hair if he fell asleep before us, so true to our word we got out a pair of clippers and turned it on close enough to his head that he could hear it. He immediately jumped up and screamed:

"GET LOST (Gay Slur)!" When we asked him what was the matter he responded

" I don't know, I just kindof dreamed that there were all of these PENISES around me!"

Just to clarify, back then gay slurs (although not any more correct) weren't frowned upon as much as they are in todays society. Plus if Kobe Bryant can say it, so can Milk. Nevertheless, I now understand my friends panic upon being startled at the thought of losing something dear to him.

Despite the lockout, I am hoping for a season this upcoming fall. If I could, I would do something proactive about the lockout to help it end but I am just a student in Saskatchewan, Canada with a negative monetary value to my name and a small business that barely broke even this summer; which means little to no influential power in the world of sports. But boy oh boy can I blog!! So in anticipation of the 2011/2012 season (that WILL happen) I am starting (and will hopefully finish before the season starts) a preview of all 30 teams in the NBA.

The Atlanta Falcons (just kidding) Hawks

Current situation: I can't help but think that the Hawks are the current incarnation of the Wizards 4 to 5 years ago. They are now locked into the 5/4 seed of the East for the next 5 years, like the wiz were. Joe Johnsons contract handcuffs them in that spot with little room for improvement, like Arenas' did to the Wiz. They have three key players who are 1) perennial all-star reserve (Joe Johnson, Gilbert Arenas) 2)sometimes an all-star, sometimes not (Al Horford, Antawn Jamison) and 3)Borderline all-star who may make it once or twice (Josh Smith, Caron Butler). Atleast they are a perennial playoff team right? Wrong. What's the point of achieving the exact same thing every year without progressing? Oh yeah, here's an insider secret: Joe Johnson isn't that good. Atleast not even close to 20 million a year good.

Going Forward: It seems like the Hawks have some tradeable pieces and they are only a player or two away from going from good to really good. They need to be careful not to go Orlando Magic on themselves and Trade 4 key players all at once and hope for the best. They do need to make a move though and it has to bolster their starting unit. The Hawks bench is one to be envious of, it has scoring and energy and is probably one of the most solid benches in the league so whatever change is made, it has to be to either the point or center position. Since Centers are hard to come by, maybe they should try to get Baron Davis? Wouldn't Davis be a little more motivated to play on a playoff team? Personally I think he would be a perfect fit for their team. I also think that Cleveland would HAVE to bite on some sort of Hinrich plus a pick or money for Davis deal. Either way, there's not many elite or potentially elite point guard deals out there that the hawks could swing, but they might as well swing for the fences while they are handcuffed by the Johnson contract.

Well, there you have it. The first installment of the 30 team preview. If you are wondering why I started with the Atlanta Hawks it's simple. I am going to go in alphabetical order. I hope you enjoy these previews while the Millionaires poop in our beds. Best case scenario, I won't be able to finish these previews before the season starts and then we can stop imagining PENISES everywhere.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wince Farter and Boners Boners

First off, the title of this post is not crude. Well it is but the back story isn't so much, plus it's funny so I decided to add it (as always, something seemingly unrelated will relate to something in the end of my post).

During the middle of my university experimentation I took a class with Beavis in the department of philosophy called Logic. We passed the course but not without renaming one of the logical sequences from Modus Ponens to Boners Boners.

Remembering this monumental moment in my life I realized how our whole lives revolve around renaming things to something funnier or easier to remember. I'm not sure if I should call this a talent, but for the sake of ease (because we all care about ease's sake) I WILL call it a 'talent'. The talent even extends beyond my own memory at times as exemplified in the case of Schwann's red headed friend, Poonjabbi (or something like that). Apparently I called him Poonjabbi once and it stuck, I was reminded that I created the name 2 years later with no recollection whatsoever. This talent isn't exclusively mine by any stretch. I feel like The paddies boys and friends all have this and utilize it more than the average individual.

The Wince Farter part of the title is just for fun. I read it on raptorsrepublic recently and laughed my head off. And pictured in my head the above picture. It's funny because the big farts are often preceeded by a wince.

One of my favorite things on the planet earth is to play church ball. I have been thinking about church ball alot lately and wish that we all lived in closer proximity so that we could play on a regular basis. So in light of name calling and churchball, What would be the utlimate 5 on 5 churchball game?

I think it would be something like this:

Team 1:
sf-The Luckiest David/Clarke (what's clarke's nickname?)
pf-Razr/ Zack Jensen
C-Ladders/ Dwight Howard

Team 2:
pg- Miller Regent/ Little Steve
sg- Beavis / Jamario Luigi
sf- The Grey Nathan/ Spanchy Starrow
pf- Milk/ The Gorilla/ Pants/ Time/ Camela Anderson/ Camgina
C- Dirk Nowitzky. I mean, Fats/ Big Steve

I think this roster would give the best combination of funny, fun and competitiveness to a churchball game. Key combinations are 4 grads 4 buddies, The walkers, The Hales minus Beavis, Big and little steve and the Hydes. There's alot of people I may have forgottent about but these are the ones that usually show up, plus theres alot of room for changes and I want to see what you guys would organize. What would your ultimate churchball game rosters look like?