Big Miller's Lockout Inspired Team Previews: The Atlanta Hawks

Hello Blog world and NBA Basketball fans.

In the name of Patrick Ewing and his knee pads I declare the NBA lockout a travesty! The lockout is a terrible representation and harsh reality of professional sports. While all of us die-hard fans anxiously check ESPN every day in hopes of some miracle solution to the labour negotiations, millionaires argue with millionaires over [approximately] a few million dollars spread between 500 players. WHO GIVES A CRAP!! JUST END THE LOCKOUT!! I sometimes feel like our good friend and pal 'Milk' who once made the mistake of falling asleep before the rest of us at a sleepover. We threatened to cut the shaggy mop on his head that he called hair if he fell asleep before us, so true to our word we got out a pair of clippers and turned it on close enough to his head that he could hear it. He immediately jumped up and screamed:

"GET LOST (Gay Slur)!" When we asked him what was the matter he responded

" I don't know, I just kindof dreamed that there were all of these PENISES around me!"

Just to clarify, back then gay slurs (although not any more correct) weren't frowned upon as much as they are in todays society. Plus if Kobe Bryant can say it, so can Milk. Nevertheless, I now understand my friends panic upon being startled at the thought of losing something dear to him.

Despite the lockout, I am hoping for a season this upcoming fall. If I could, I would do something proactive about the lockout to help it end but I am just a student in Saskatchewan, Canada with a negative monetary value to my name and a small business that barely broke even this summer; which means little to no influential power in the world of sports. But boy oh boy can I blog!! So in anticipation of the 2011/2012 season (that WILL happen) I am starting (and will hopefully finish before the season starts) a preview of all 30 teams in the NBA.

The Atlanta Falcons (just kidding) Hawks

Current situation: I can't help but think that the Hawks are the current incarnation of the Wizards 4 to 5 years ago. They are now locked into the 5/4 seed of the East for the next 5 years, like the wiz were. Joe Johnsons contract handcuffs them in that spot with little room for improvement, like Arenas' did to the Wiz. They have three key players who are 1) perennial all-star reserve (Joe Johnson, Gilbert Arenas) 2)sometimes an all-star, sometimes not (Al Horford, Antawn Jamison) and 3)Borderline all-star who may make it once or twice (Josh Smith, Caron Butler). Atleast they are a perennial playoff team right? Wrong. What's the point of achieving the exact same thing every year without progressing? Oh yeah, here's an insider secret: Joe Johnson isn't that good. Atleast not even close to 20 million a year good.

Going Forward: It seems like the Hawks have some tradeable pieces and they are only a player or two away from going from good to really good. They need to be careful not to go Orlando Magic on themselves and Trade 4 key players all at once and hope for the best. They do need to make a move though and it has to bolster their starting unit. The Hawks bench is one to be envious of, it has scoring and energy and is probably one of the most solid benches in the league so whatever change is made, it has to be to either the point or center position. Since Centers are hard to come by, maybe they should try to get Baron Davis? Wouldn't Davis be a little more motivated to play on a playoff team? Personally I think he would be a perfect fit for their team. I also think that Cleveland would HAVE to bite on some sort of Hinrich plus a pick or money for Davis deal. Either way, there's not many elite or potentially elite point guard deals out there that the hawks could swing, but they might as well swing for the fences while they are handcuffed by the Johnson contract.

Well, there you have it. The first installment of the 30 team preview. If you are wondering why I started with the Atlanta Hawks it's simple. I am going to go in alphabetical order. I hope you enjoy these previews while the Millionaires poop in our beds. Best case scenario, I won't be able to finish these previews before the season starts and then we can stop imagining PENISES everywhere.

Wince Farter and Boners Boners

First off, the title of this post is not crude. Well it is but the back story isn't so much, plus it's funny so I decided to add it (as always, something seemingly unrelated will relate to something in the end of my post).

During the middle of my university experimentation I took a class with Beavis in the department of philosophy called Logic. We passed the course but not without renaming one of the logical sequences from Modus Ponens to Boners Boners.

Remembering this monumental moment in my life I realized how our whole lives revolve around renaming things to something funnier or easier to remember. I'm not sure if I should call this a talent, but for the sake of ease (because we all care about ease's sake) I WILL call it a 'talent'. The talent even extends beyond my own memory at times as exemplified in the case of Schwann's red headed friend, Poonjabbi (or something like that). Apparently I called him Poonjabbi once and it stuck, I was reminded that I created the name 2 years later with no recollection whatsoever. This talent isn't exclusively mine by any stretch. I feel like The paddies boys and friends all have this and utilize it more than the average individual.

The Wince Farter part of the title is just for fun. I read it on raptorsrepublic recently and laughed my head off. And pictured in my head the above picture. It's funny because the big farts are often preceeded by a wince.

One of my favorite things on the planet earth is to play church ball. I have been thinking about church ball alot lately and wish that we all lived in closer proximity so that we could play on a regular basis. So in light of name calling and churchball, What would be the utlimate 5 on 5 churchball game?

I think it would be something like this:

Team 1:

pg-Buck/Schwann

sg-Snakes/Snitts

sf-The Luckiest David/Clarke (what's clarke's nickname?)

pf-Razr/ Zack Jensen

C-Ladders/ Dwight Howard

Team 2:

pg- Miller Regent/ Little Steve

sg- Beavis / Jamario Luigi

sf- The Grey Nathan/ Spanchy Starrow

pf- Milk/ The Gorilla/ Pants/ Time/ Camela Anderson/ Camgina

C- Dirk Nowitzky. I mean, Fats/ Big Steve

I think this roster would give the best combination of funny, fun and competitiveness to a churchball game. Key combinations are 4 grads 4 buddies, The walkers, The Hales minus Beavis, Big and little steve and the Hydes. There's alot of people I may have forgottent about but these are the ones that usually show up, plus theres alot of room for changes and I want to see what you guys would organize. What would your ultimate churchball game rosters look like?

Jonas Valan(insert crude word here)

Shame on Fats! If the Raptors had just won the NBA championship I would have posted atleast 3 posts on the playoffs and finals. Not to mention rub it in the faces of all of the other pads writers on how wrong their predictions were. Fats has the ultimate article right under his fingertips but hasn't taken advantage of it. He is the only writer whose team has won the NBA championship!! I feel like his time is up to write something about this event of events and I will take this opportunity to write something about one of the worst teams in the NBA and my favorite team (which I hate with all my soul) your very own Toronto Raptors.

Just for emphasis I want to rewrite a sentence. Fats has the ultimate article right under his fingertips but hasn't taken advantage of it. You know who else had a great opportunity but didn't take advantage of it? The Toronto Raptors, more specifically, Bryan Colangelo. Either the guy is a genius or completely misled. Right now I am leaning toward misled. In case you haven't heard, the Raptors just drafted a 7 foot lithuanian, skinny, unathletic center with 'tremendous upside'. Sound familiar? Switch Lithuanian with Italian and I think you know what I am getting at. But don't blame Bryan Colangelo, seriously, it's not his fault. Just to repeat myself and add that I am NOT being sarcastic, do not blame Colangelo, it is not his fault.

If that last paragraph was confusing here is the decoder: Bryan Colangelo drafted a player eerily similar to Andrea Bargnani with a pick that the raptors tanked the entire last season to get. Now Bargnani and Valanpenis aren't the exact same player, but they are european, can't jump and are relatively soft. There are more differences but that is for a whole other post.

So whose fault is it that Colangelo made the same mistake twice? Well, in 2006 Dirk Nowitzky led the mavericks to the finals and nearly took home the Larry O'brian trophy. A few years later (2011) a similar thing happened but we all know the different result. So what is the common trend? Bryan Colangelo drafted an Italian 7 footer and a Lithuanian 7 footer in both those years respectively. So who is to blame for the raptors terrible top 5 draft picks? That's right, Dirk 'the German Flopper" Nowitzky. Is this a credible argument? Probably not. Can I back this up with stats and legitimate reasons? Nope. I just need a reason that feels good as to why Bryan has messed up these draft picks and why not another reason to hate Texas?

I think I will end on that. I hope to see some 'heat'ed and awesome comments soon!

Playoffs!

Happy Valentine's Day from Zach Randolph. Or Happy The Grey Nathan Can Still Make Patrick's Pads Posts Day. I thought what better time to make a post than when I have an essay due today that I haven't started and final exams next week that I'm not prepared for. T-wah informed me that I didn't make a single post during the regular season. For that I am ashamed. At least I've made plenty of comments. But I'm still ashamed. I have a really neat idea for a post but I don't have time to write it right now. But maybe next week. So see ya later.

Just kidding. I thought with the playoffs kicking off tomorrow, it would be appropriate to write something about it. But I'm not going to do that. There are plenty of playoff preview articles out there and I don't really have time to make an original one. So instead I just want to post my predictions and encourage everyone else to do the same in the comments. But first, a picture:

Kurt Rambis and Danny Ainge might both be idiots. So this is a good picture.

Without further ado (because there's been too much ado already) I present The Grey Nathan's Playoff Picks of Pickled Peppers (because here at Patrick Ewing's Knee Pads there's no such thing as too much alliteration):

(I'll have to keep this brief because I really shouldn't be doing this right now. But I can't resist.)

THE EAST

Chicago over Indiana in 4 games.

-because the Pacers are only in the playoffs because no one else wanted to be.

Miami over Philly in 6

- I think AI will slow Lebron down. Not that much, but I think they can squeak out a couple wins and extend the series to the point that people are surprised and a little nervous that the playoffs might get ruined by a team no one wants to watch.

Boston over New York in 6

-Carmelo will have a couple games where he can't be stopped. But the rest of the team besides Amare isn't good at all.

Orlando over Atlanta in 6

- it will take them longer than it should because Atlanta has Collins. haha. But I guess he's really good at stopping DH (yes, David Humphrey) and unlike last year, if you can do that this year, the rest of the team isn't very good and will have a hard time making up for that. I'm referring to how last year Charlotte pretty much made him a non-factor, but just didn't have enough to make the rest of the team pay. I think that was a hugely underrated move. They got him in terrible foul trouble and frustrated the crap out of him. I tried to look up the stats but my feeble effort failed. If you can find it, it's more incredible than anyone said. So if you have a good defender and a decent team, you can beat the magic easily this year. I had Atlanta as my upset for a while, but I guess they suck and hate their coach. So they won't pull it off, but they'll make it harder than it should be.

SECOND ROUND

Bulls over Magic in 5

- I don't have any faith in the Magic. The Bulls are way better.

Celtics over Heat in 7

-Whoa!!! I know! I can't believe I'm doing it, but I actually believe it. The C's look terrible lately, but they always do that at the end of the year. In fact, most good teams do. Look at the Spurs and Lakers. They look awful. But none of those teams is going to be awful in the playoffs. I think experience and teamwork will pay off for the Celtics. Pierce is good enough to slow down Lebron, I hope Green and Allen can slow down Wade and help with Lebron. And Bosh is ALWAYS terrible against the Celtics. And that covers their team. I just don't think the 3 man team is going to work. Maybe that's naive or old-fashioned or just hopeful. I had given up on the Celtics until just a moment ago. I have hope that they'll turn it on in the playoffs.

ECF

Celtics over Bulls in 7

-this is hard. The Bulls are fantastic. I love watching them. They killed the Celtics a few days ago. But I really think experience will pay off and the C's will gain confidence as the playoffs progress. This one could go either way though. It'll be fun to watch.

WEST

Spurs over Grizzlies in 6

- I think the Grizz will catch them sleeping a couple times. They're weirdly good. If there's ever going to be another 8 over 1 upset anytime soon, I actually think it could happen here. I haven't seen enough of the Grizz to really believe though. From what I hear, they're really interesting. Those kinds of teams often make some noise in the first round. Maybe they'll stretch it to 7 games.

OKC over Denver in 5

- people think this series will be closer than I do. I think Denver is going to realize that they don't have a star player and then notice that OKC has two. That might happen in the first or second game of the series. I just think the good vibes of continuing on successful after the Melo thing will wear off soon.

this one's for Fats

Dallas over Portland in 7

-I don't even know if I believe this, but so many people are picking against the Mavs that they're kind of the underdogs. I think Portland matches up well against them, but Dallas has the best player in the series. LMA will pull his weight, but I think Dirk will outplay him.

LA over New Orleans in 4

-won't even be close. The Hornets aren't any good. I've only seen CP3 play twice this year, and one of the times Jose Calderon made him look like he was Ian Walker. Never a good sign. I would take it as a fluke if I hadn't heard that he's lost his step overall.

ROUND 2

San Antonio over OKC in 6

- we're all going to remember that the Spurs are good and the Thunder are overrated. Don't get me wrong, I hate the Spurs and love the Thunder, but people are still getting carried away about them. Come on Bill Simmons, OKC - Chicago final? When does it ever happen that two teams with no playoff experience beat every team with it? It's not going to happen, as much as I would love to see it.

LA over Dallas in 7

-this'll be a fun series to watch. I think Kobe has just enough left in the tank for another title run.

WCF

LA over San Antonio in 6

- I hate this series and I hope I'm wrong and that it doesn't happen. Yuck.

Finals

Boston over LA in 7

- Rematch! This was my pick at the beginning of the year, and I haven't seen quite enough to change it. I mean, I've seen a lot, and it's almost enough, but not quite. I'm not 100% convinced Boston has blown it. A couple days ago I was, so this might change. But like I said earlier, I think winning in the playoffs will help them gel, if that's the problem. They'll get their confidence back. I don't think this pick is just because I'm a Boston fan. It might be, but I really do think they have as good of a chance as anyone. And I think their experience will be a huge factor that matters more than it seems like it should. I'm probably in the minority on this one, and fair enough. It could go any number of ways. That's what makes this year's playoffs so exciting. I can't wait.

Post your picks in the comments.

MGD, Miller's Genuine Draft

It's been far too long since I last posted. My only excuse is that I've been way to busy learning to be a drug dealer, but since I'm posting this during Final exams my excuse is pretty much invalid. So I won't give you pad followers any excuse for my laziness. You can just deal with it.

Yesterday I had a good memory. It was of a time when a whole slew of us were gathered at The Grey Nathan/Fats' pad. When suddenly about 10 of us broke into jumping in a tight group in one location on the main floor. This location happened to be right above fats' room. The excessive vibration from the excessive activity caused a light fixture to excessively wiggle. Naturally, Fats ran up stairs screaming bloody murder. So we limited the jumping somewhat.

I share this story with you because it's funny how Fats completely lost it. But it is also a perfect illustration of my feelings right now with the NBA.

First, the jumping and excitement is how I feel about the state of the NBA. This almost goes without saying, but this years NBA playoffs are going to be probably one of the greatest post seasons of our lifetimes. Chicago, Miami, Boston, L.A. and San Antonio all have probably an equal chance of winning the title. It all comes down to matchups and who makes their shots. All of the teams have their weaknesses and teams that they matchup well or terrible against. Which makes this years playoffs all the more exciting. There is so much talent in the league that every series is watchable. I can't wait for it all to begin. And for the record, I am picking Miami over Lakers in 6. Maybe if you comment I will give you a more lengthy explanation as to how I came to this prediction.

Second, The pure rage and completely "lost-it-ness" that Fats so gracefully demonstrated in the above story is how I feel about the NBA reffing. It's TURRIBLE!!! Whenever the raptors announcers mention how DeRozan will get more calls in the future if he keeps driving to the hoop and gains recognition I loose it! Shouldn't the game be called fair? Shouldn't the same contact to a superstar be called to anyone driving the lane that gets hit? It just makes the game unfair and closer to fixed WWE wrestling matches than professional sports. Sorry to ruin the surprise for all you WWE fans, but it's not real. Don't believe me? watch this. When refs are involved in gambling fraud or overheard telling a coach they will give them a "make up" call for an earlier missed call there is something wrong. I feel like there should be something done about this situation, but I'm not smart enough to figure it out.

I guess the good thing about the horrendous officiating is that it made me really think about why I love the NBA. I mean, through all of the unfairness and games ultimately decided by a horrible call, i still love to watch. It comes down to the game itself. It is something that is hard to master, putting a ball through a hoop only marginally bigger than the ball while opposing, bigger players try to stop you from doing it. On a nightly basis in the NBA you get to see people come as close to humanly possible to mastering this craft and mastering this craft requires skills that are only posessed by a handful of people in the world. So every night the NBA presents a demonstration of things that cannot be done by normal people, like flying through the air for a dunk or hitting the extended 3 pointer with ease. These things are hightened come playoff time and I they make me want to jump around and make unnecessary noise. I just hope the officiating doesn't mess it up or I might lose my mind (like Fats) and yell at myself for jumping around and being excited for baskteball's WWE tournament.